Have mercy on us mere mortals.

Let's face it. It's HOT out. And (in addition to eating frozen novelties) a lot of your are going to the pool to cool off. So I will be taking the next few weeks to give you some tips about pool safety and etiquette.

This week: Appearance. For some reason, it's acceptable for me to prance around Wildwood, NJ in a flesh colored Speedo, but Olive Garden refuses to serve me if I'm topless. (C'mon Darden Restaurants! Public nudity is Mediterranean.) While the logic eludes me, I would say that, as a whole, people are expected to be fully clothed in places with a family atmosphere. This really makes the beach or the pool (a favorite spot for...families) particularly scandalous.

I'll stomach the fact that I might have to see someone's stomach...but don't flaunt it! Especially you freakishly attractively people out there. Take a look at this warning sign photographed on a pool ladder.

Look at that waistline. He's got like an eight-pack. And not only is he touching his toes, he's standing on them, too. It's fine if you're going to do that at the Olympics or on the cover of Sports Illustrated. I never expected to be in either of those places anyway. But when you do it at the Y, it just makes me want to kill myself. How would you like to be this guy?


Look, it's not your fault if you're built like Jack Bauer or Laura Croft, just don't flaunt it. Have mercy on us mere mortals.