Not That Kind of Machine

As technology makes our world increasingly more convenient and less personal, vending machines are offering us staggering possibilities. Snacks and drinks have always been a staple, but DVDs, iPods, life insurance, gems, produce, ice cream, beer, toys, toilet paper, and panties are now available on street corners all over the world. Not only that, but you don't have to tear apart the office/ER waiting room/men's locker at the local Y looking for exact change. You can now pay with credit cards and even text messages in some places.

But there's one thing that vending machines still can't offer you.

Just in case you missed it, I've highlighted the key offense here.

You can't copulate with a vending machine! I know what you're thinking. "If it can feed me and clothe me, why can't it love me?" Well, I don't have all of the answers to that question, but I can tell you that vending machines like it on top. And they like it kinky. So unless you want to be crushed to death during an electroshock S and M session, I'd keep your relationship strictly professional.