Have mercy on us mere mortals.

Let's face it. It's HOT out. And (in addition to eating frozen novelties) a lot of your are going to the pool to cool off. So I will be taking the next few weeks to give you some tips about pool safety and etiquette.

This week: Appearance. For some reason, it's acceptable for me to prance around Wildwood, NJ in a flesh colored Speedo, but Olive Garden refuses to serve me if I'm topless. (C'mon Darden Restaurants! Public nudity is Mediterranean.) While the logic eludes me, I would say that, as a whole, people are expected to be fully clothed in places with a family atmosphere. This really makes the beach or the pool (a favorite spot for...families) particularly scandalous.

I'll stomach the fact that I might have to see someone's stomach...but don't flaunt it! Especially you freakishly attractively people out there. Take a look at this warning sign photographed on a pool ladder.

Look at that waistline. He's got like an eight-pack. And not only is he touching his toes, he's standing on them, too. It's fine if you're going to do that at the Olympics or on the cover of Sports Illustrated. I never expected to be in either of those places anyway. But when you do it at the Y, it just makes me want to kill myself. How would you like to be this guy?


Look, it's not your fault if you're built like Jack Bauer or Laura Croft, just don't flaunt it. Have mercy on us mere mortals.

It's safe to go back on the sidewalk.

With the temperature soaring, the kids off school, and sunsets late in the evening, late July and early August are the perfect time to walk to your favorite, neighborhood ice cream hut for dessert. Rita's, Dairy Queen, TCBY, that creepy guy in the Good Humor truck, take your pick. Just go for a stroll and reward yourself with a cool, creamy, treat.

But if you do, you may encounter one of these guys:


I know there are at least six between my domicile and the nearest Rita's. But what does it mean? Have no fear, Stupid Warning Signs is here to explain this baffling cartoon to you.

It does bear a strong resemblance to this...

...a very recognizable crosswalk warning sign. (Note the CROSSWALK.) To the uninitiated, means "this is not a crosswalk." BUT shouldn't that actually look like this?


So what could it possibly mean? Well, fellow web surfer, I think it bears a far closer resemblance to another image.














Thank your city council, because if you see these signs up in your neighborhood, you know that Sasquatch is not welcome. And you can enjoy that ice cream cone in peace. It's safe to go back on the sidewalk.

May I recommend clown school?

Last week's post was the impetus behind this blog, the inciting incident that pushed me from apathy to activism. But this week's post is really the inspiration behind it. Many years ago, my friends had been joking about a warning sign they'd seen printed on the bottom of a plastic sweater box, pictured here.


Admittedly, it is comical on face value. But the really funny part is that someone needed to put a warning sign on a sweater box. We could only surmise from this that someone had, in fact, tried to place their child into the box and, fearing the legal ramifications, the company was compelled to print a warning sign.

Just in case you couldn't figure it out on your own, your baby is not a Cirque du Soleil performer. He/she is not flexible enough to fit in that box. They may stand a chance, however, at prop comedy.

Flying Boxes Headed Your Way!

Careful, the world is a dangerous place. The genesis of this blog came one freezing morning outside Holmesburg Prison in Northeast Philly. Despite the murderers, rapists, and thieves wielding weapons from shivs to shanks on the other side of the forty foot stone wall, the Philadelphia Prison System wanted me to watch out for one thing: Flying Boxes to the Stomach. And to keep me abreast of the danger, they posted this sign near the front gate.

Conscious of the need to propagate this warning to the masses, I resolved that day to blog about it! It is the mission of this blog to identify vague or unexpected cartoon warning signs, interpret them when necessary, and post this vital information on the Internet.

Feel safe to roam the streets again fellow web surfer, I've got your back. (You just watch out for boxes to the stomach!)