The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!

There's been a lot of talk recently about socialists, communists, and terrorists trying to infiltrate our country. Well, America is a free country, and we can't really stop anyone from expressing their beliefs (however bizarre they might be). But we CAN warn you about them. Hats off to the folks near Spinnerstown, PA for this sign on the side of the John Fries Highway.

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Although it's not clear whether our friends over in Bucks County are pro- or anti-Communist, one thing is for certain. You've been warned!

Spared No Expense

It's back to school time, and many of you will be seeing and experiencing brand new dangers as you make your way to some of the greatest colleges in the world. In this spirit, I'm bringing you a warning sign from our ivy league friends over at Cornell. Painted on the sidewalk near the Triphammer Foot Bridge, the sign pretty clearly forbids dinosaurs from riding bicycles.

Fair enough. But I think the sign begs a few bigger questions. Where did Cornell get the dinosaurs? How many insects fossilized in tree sap does Cornell have access to? Can dinosaurs naturally ride bikes? And, most importantly, can my dinosaur still juggle flaming swords on the bridge? Whatever the case, I'm just glad I'm not on Brown's cycling team.

Crotches Ho!

This last sign on pool safety and etiquette comes to us courtesy of Hersheypark.


Those of you who have been to the park know that you may only wear your bathing suit in the water attractions section. Hershey plastered these signs all over that same area just to hammer the point home (if you hadn't already noticed) that you'll probably see some crotches. Not only that, but the scant bathing suit one is wearing may be in very poor taste. Featuring tacky stripes and...I guess those are frills?

Anyway, just one more of the dangers of the pool. You've been warned!

No Martyrs Here

The pool offers a lot more than swimming: volley ball, shuffle board, tether ball... But it's important to remember safety when you're out of the water, too. You don't want your friendly game of touch football to turn into the Hindenburg. Wear sunscreen, play fair, and, for the love of Jesus DO NOT signal touchdowns!



This sign, along with the posts from the last two weeks, was plastered to the side of my uncle's pool. And it very clearly depicts someone signaling a touchdown.


What could possibly be wrong with reffing a friendly game of football at the poolside? Let me tell you!

Some of you may remember a certain "King of Kings" statue that had previously adorned the roadside of I-75 near Monroe, Ohio. It was known colloquially as "Big Butter Jesus," "Big J," and..."Touchdown Jesus." (The reasons for that last one should be apparent.)


I want to make two very important points here. 1) The sculpture, whatever you want to call it, is by the poolside. 2) It was struck by lightning on June 14th of this year.

Listen, we all want to be martyrs for Christ, but I don't see anyone lining up to get crucified. Unless you want to go the route of "Big J," DO NOT signal touchdowns at the pool!

You never know who's watching...

I'll be picking up this week where I left off last week, talking about pool etiquette. I know, by the time you finally pack the car, get out of the house, find a parking spot, drag everything out to the beach/poolside, and slather on the sunscreen, you couldn't give a rat's pajamas what the guy next to you thinks. But this is no time for a lapse in manners! Consider the following warning.


It's pretty straightforward, but pay attention to the details. Clearly there are two people, one of whom, it can be inferred, is swimming. But what else is he/she doing?


That's right, flippin' the bird. Now, it may be justified. The swimmer's motivation is not made clear in the illustration. After all, the other guy may have just kicked sand on the swimmer's blanket. I don't know. But it's pretty obvious that the other guy is shooting LASER beams out of his eyes in retaliation.

The ability to shoot LASERs out of your eyes (also known as an "optic blast") was first brought to the attention of the public at large by the X Men comics. Many of you probably remember the character of Cyclops from the 2000 movie.


But you'd be shocked to learn how prevalent the condition is. Check out this YouTube video. I had no idea that guy had it in him.

And why the pool? Why not be concerned about this at the zoo or the opera? Elementary, my dear Web Surfer. If you recall from X Men, Cyclops wore a pair of ruby quartz glasses that allowed him to control his optic blast. And where does everyone wear sunglasses without looking suspicious? The pool. So take a second to breathe before you do anything rash. You never know who's watching...