Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time

The weather's getting pretty rough. As I write this, it's thirty degrees outside and raining sideways. What's the athletically inclined outdoorsey type supposed to do? Well, until it freezes and you can start skiing/skating/downhill machete ice sculpting, you just might need to stay inside. The gym offers one possible solution, but playing ping pong inside a tent is NOT an option.

You just can't compete with a piece of rip-stop, seam-sealed, waterproof fabric. Those things never miss, and the silicone coating puts more English on the ball than the Queen herself. (Besides, ping pong is an indoor sport anyway...)

Unless you want The Coleman Company to shred your ping pong record, you may just have to brush up on your knitting for the next few weeks. On the plus side, you can make yourself a nice pair of socks for ski season.

No Inverted Aerials

Driving a truck requires a higher level of attention. To name a few things, you need to be concerned about stopping distance, overheard clearance, and gross vehicle weight. Then there's all of those pesky road signs that apply to trucks specifically, like this one.

You can't flip your truck over backwards, pretty straight forward. Those of you who may only be driving a truck every other decade or so on moving day may not know exactly how to avoid that.

Just to clue you in, that would require disabling your front breaks, loading the back of your truck with lead weights or something heavier, speeding backwards, and slamming on the rear breaks. It's hard to avoid doing in car, never mind a truck. But on a certain stretch of road near Horsham, PA, you'll just have to be extra careful.

Yes He Will!

Mid term elections are tomorrow and I hope everyone out there is up to the task of voting. I don't care where you sit on the aisle or stand on an issue. America is in some serious need of electoral participation. And if you don't do your part someone else will.

Two years ago, President Obama came to power fueled by hope, promising change. Some say the verdict is still out on that. It really isn't the purpose of this blog to discuss that kind of thing. There are plenty of others out there wasting bandwidth on that particular question.

My point is that one might read the above warning sign with a certain amount of optimism.

But one can also take a slightly different view.

In either case, no one can argue that the man pictured above allegorically is coming, and he means business. (Look at those burly arms!) As I've already implored, vote! Make your voice heard! Because if you don't, he WILL!

Don't Fear the Reaper

Pumpkins, candy corn, toilet paper all over your bushes. Halloween is just around the corner, and that has me thinking about one thing...death...

It's only a matter of time for all of us. We know not the day or the hour, but thanks to the good folks at the Cheltenham Mall, you can be slightly more precise about the place.

This sign is prominently displayed on all of the mall's entrances. I'm not sure how they pulled it off, perhaps just a good ol' fashioned deal with the devil, but for some reason Death is pretty clearly verboten beyond those doors.

So go ahead, buy some discount shoes, get a cheap manicure, hell, play some Russian Roulette. Don't fear the reaper, baby, death can't reach you here.

One More Reason not to Smoke

We're all familiar with the no smoking sign. We've seen it in public places, private buildings, bars, restaurants, schools, and gas stations. But as more and more people are trying to lead healthier lives, it seems like it's virtually impossible to find a place for a smoke break. This sign, brought to you by the good folks in the state of Maine, crosses one more locale off the list.

That's right. You may not smoke in a puffin's butt.

I think it's an honorable endeavor, although it does leave one to question the necessity of such a sign. Are puffins with their colorful beaks and snazzy black suits the ideal birds to grab a smoke with? Is the campaign meant to keep tobacco products away from a gullible and easily addicted species? Maybe it's just too unsettling for all of the visitors to Vacationland to see such an adorable animal participating in such deplorable behavior. I think, however, that these explanations give the puffin too much credit. After all, no one's preventing you from handing out Camels to a harbor seal or lobster. That being said, the only logical explanation is that puffins suffer from a particularly flammable (dare I say explosive?) flatulence problem.

Take your pick. But whatever the case, if you choose to put tobacco products up a bird's anus, you're taking your own life into your hands.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

There are a lot of ways to get from point A to point B, but none are cooler than an overpriced, undersized personal transportation device. Think about it. Who do you see on Segues, Golf Carts, and Jet Skis? Only the deadliest men in the world. Here's James Bond on the original personalized watercraft in the 1977 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me."

And here you have a SWAT team on Segues.

All I'm getting at is that while you can have a terrific afternoon tearing donuts into the turf on the eighth green, you have to keep in mind that your golf cart is a precision weapon in the war on terror. If you're not careful, you just might shoot your eye out...or fly out the back and land on your head. (Those things are really operating on all three cylinders!)

Look, if you're going to spend all of that money on a top of the line personal transportation device, you'd better expect there to be ejection seat, and you'd better learn how to use it. If not, at least wear a helmet.

We WILL rock you.

Great news for you hockey fans out there, the regular season starts this week! That's the kind of thing that just makes you want to jump for joy.


And for everyone else out there (who couldn't care less about hockey) watch out!


Listen, some people are easily excited. Maybe you just scored an overtime goal to sweep the St. Louis Blues in the Stanley Cup finals. Maybe you're at Ft. Washington State Park (where I found this sign) and there's a really awesome pile of leaves you want to jump in. Sometimes, you just want to take a leap.

That's perfectly acceptable. But for the more stoic of web surfers out there, be careful. We aren't all built like professional hockey players, and you don't want to end up like this.