The best place to be...

My apologies for my long hiatus, but I'm back. And I hope no one out there in the World Wide Web became too complacent. Dangers abound! But there's one place online where you can be assured your safety is our primary goal. Right here.


So don't change that dial. Because sometimes the best place to be is right where you are.

SPRING BREAK!

Ah...Spring Break. Just when you get back into the swing of things after Christmas, it's time to drown your brain in copious amounts of alcohol at some kind of exotic location.

It's a terrific opportunity to enjoy your youth, but there are a lot of things to be careful about, especially for those who don't travel a lot. Did you remember your cell phone? Passport? Toothbrush? Is everything in your carry-on seven ounces or less? Does your family know where you're going and have contact information? Do you have all of your shots?

It can be overwhelming just at the time when all you want to do is be cool and relax. Well, I have good news. You can cross one worry off your list. Those awesome flip-flops you got over Christmas are totally acceptable at the airport.


So kick those divinely trendy, prime-of-life feet back and enjoy the break. Oh, and don't forget to call your mother when you land.

One Borough to Rule them All...

The Oscars were awarded this week and, as usual, some people can't help but think that their favorite film was robbed of it's proper recognition. But I do need to point out that it's hard to compare something like "The King's Speech" (a drama based on actual events) and "Inception" (an acid trip on film). Not that they both didn't have great acting and cinematography, I'm just saying some people aren't really into that kind of thing.

Which is why I'm offering you this warning from Queen's, New York.


In case you've never been to Queens before, let me clarify.


So there you have it. Who knew that some of our most beloved fantasy characters called Queens home? Needless to say, if you've never been a fan of dungeons and dragons, or if you think you'd be tempted to steal the One Ring for yourself, I may recommend sticking to Manhattan. People aren't nearly as odd there.

Real Love

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the completely arbitrary date for everyone to wish they were in love. But I've got good news for you bloggers out there. Hersheypark (The self advertised SWEETEST place on earth) has these nifty signs plastered all over the place.


That's right, no broken hearts! And I'm not just talking about at the tunnel of love. Roller coasters, bumpers cars, the Ferris Wheel-you can't go twenty feet without stumbling on something that's guaranteed to amend your amorous anguish.

Science has proven that nothing cements a relationship more than pure terror. Why do you think so many people take their dates to horror movies? Forget the chocolates this week. If you want love, go for inverted, looping thrill rides. After all, isn't that what love really is?

In every generation...

Many neighborhoods post signs like these:


They indicate that a) there's a neighborhood watch and b) curiously pointed silhouettes in trench coats and fedoras are not welcome.

That's all well and good, but in the Twenty-First Century, who's really afraid of bumping into James Cagney in the middle of the night? That being said, some of you may think the sign, and perhaps the whole idea of a neighborhood watch, is a little out of date. Well, I beg to differ. Take a look at who's behind the mask.



Homestar?! Well it wouldn't have been my first guess, but he's got to be at least as bad for the youth as cigarettes and dice. I guess each generation has its own cross to bear.

...This warning's for you!

I can only imagine that some of you reading this are dismayed at the number of things that are out to get you. Well good news, we do have a way to fight back!


I'm sure you remember Captain Planet. "Earth! Wind! Fire! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" I don't know about you, but I always wondered what the lame guy with "heart" did. I mean, being able to conjure up a tsunami or hurricane force winds is pretty cool. But heart?

Well, I only learned this recently, but apparently heart can stop machines. Check out this warning sign.


Man can control a hydraulic lift with his heart. Who knew? It must be like one of those things where a mother is able to life up a car when it's on top of her child. Either way, it's one point for the human race. And if there are any aspiring machine overlords from the Matrix out there eavesdropping, this warning's for you!

Gimme a break!

Keeping with last week's theme, I offer you this warning sign from Hersheypark.

The poor sap pictured above seems to be suffering not only from a fever, but some kind of severe head injury. One might assume, considering the bright red slash through the sign, that I would be offering Hersheypark as some kind of prophylactic against these maladies. (Super Duper Looper for your sore throat? Kissing Tower for your cramps?)

But you should also note that our friend is sporting a pretty cheeky grin. Taking the sign as a whole, I think you can really only come to one conclusion. If you've got these problem, you're not going to be smiling...even in the Sweetest Place on Earth.