Don't Fear the Reaper

Pumpkins, candy corn, toilet paper all over your bushes. Halloween is just around the corner, and that has me thinking about one thing...death...

It's only a matter of time for all of us. We know not the day or the hour, but thanks to the good folks at the Cheltenham Mall, you can be slightly more precise about the place.

This sign is prominently displayed on all of the mall's entrances. I'm not sure how they pulled it off, perhaps just a good ol' fashioned deal with the devil, but for some reason Death is pretty clearly verboten beyond those doors.

So go ahead, buy some discount shoes, get a cheap manicure, hell, play some Russian Roulette. Don't fear the reaper, baby, death can't reach you here.

One More Reason not to Smoke

We're all familiar with the no smoking sign. We've seen it in public places, private buildings, bars, restaurants, schools, and gas stations. But as more and more people are trying to lead healthier lives, it seems like it's virtually impossible to find a place for a smoke break. This sign, brought to you by the good folks in the state of Maine, crosses one more locale off the list.

That's right. You may not smoke in a puffin's butt.

I think it's an honorable endeavor, although it does leave one to question the necessity of such a sign. Are puffins with their colorful beaks and snazzy black suits the ideal birds to grab a smoke with? Is the campaign meant to keep tobacco products away from a gullible and easily addicted species? Maybe it's just too unsettling for all of the visitors to Vacationland to see such an adorable animal participating in such deplorable behavior. I think, however, that these explanations give the puffin too much credit. After all, no one's preventing you from handing out Camels to a harbor seal or lobster. That being said, the only logical explanation is that puffins suffer from a particularly flammable (dare I say explosive?) flatulence problem.

Take your pick. But whatever the case, if you choose to put tobacco products up a bird's anus, you're taking your own life into your hands.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

There are a lot of ways to get from point A to point B, but none are cooler than an overpriced, undersized personal transportation device. Think about it. Who do you see on Segues, Golf Carts, and Jet Skis? Only the deadliest men in the world. Here's James Bond on the original personalized watercraft in the 1977 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me."

And here you have a SWAT team on Segues.

All I'm getting at is that while you can have a terrific afternoon tearing donuts into the turf on the eighth green, you have to keep in mind that your golf cart is a precision weapon in the war on terror. If you're not careful, you just might shoot your eye out...or fly out the back and land on your head. (Those things are really operating on all three cylinders!)

Look, if you're going to spend all of that money on a top of the line personal transportation device, you'd better expect there to be ejection seat, and you'd better learn how to use it. If not, at least wear a helmet.

We WILL rock you.

Great news for you hockey fans out there, the regular season starts this week! That's the kind of thing that just makes you want to jump for joy.


And for everyone else out there (who couldn't care less about hockey) watch out!


Listen, some people are easily excited. Maybe you just scored an overtime goal to sweep the St. Louis Blues in the Stanley Cup finals. Maybe you're at Ft. Washington State Park (where I found this sign) and there's a really awesome pile of leaves you want to jump in. Sometimes, you just want to take a leap.

That's perfectly acceptable. But for the more stoic of web surfers out there, be careful. We aren't all built like professional hockey players, and you don't want to end up like this.

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

In the beginning of August, I warned you about signaling touchdowns at the pool. Some of you took me seriously, and some of you just laughed it off. Well, call me crazy, but lightning strikes twice at this blog!


And this time, God's wielding his favorite weapon to knock us all back a peg. Take a close look at who's being smote. It's the well-off gentleman in with the nice shoes and finely tailored coat. The one puffing out his chest and sticking his nose in the air. (One might even argue that his outstretched arms are not too dissimilar from Icarus of Greek mythology, the tragic figure who flew too close to the sun...)

The point is, we've got more than enough people strutting around like a peacocks, claiming to have all of the answers. For the love of God, have a little humility. Inscribe the Word of the Lord on your heart. Because if you don't, He will...with 30,000 amps.

"Ingredients for Life."

For this week's post, I'm going back to Genuardi's Supermarket. Besides spilled drink warning signs, they offer a wide variety of fresh produce, meats, seafood, toiletries, and other groceries. But there's one thing you're not going to find.


Maybe they require too much paperwork. Perhaps they just spoil too easily. Whatever the case, you can't buy kids at Genuardi's.

As their slogan says, you can purchase "Ingredients for Life" at Genuardi's, but apparently you can't yet purchase "a life." If you want a kid, you'll have to get it the good old fashioned way...building a house out of candy in the woods. On the plus side, Genuardi's does sell gingerbread.

Knowing is Half the Battle

The weather is nice again, perfect for a picnic, outdoor concert, or Oktoberfest. You know, the kind of event where you just want to lay down in the grass with a cold drink, take in the scenery, and chill. Some people (apparently) even like to do it in the frozen food section of Genaurdi's Supermarket. Hey, I'm not here to judge. But that's exactly where I found this sign.


(Please note the spilled drink.) We've all been there. You fumble around in between the cooler and the soccer chair looking for your cell phone; A kid runs by chasing a Frisbee; Some genius looking for low fat ice cream trips over you while you're trying to catch some killer UV rays in aisle 15B. Whatever the cause, your cheap plastic cup wasn't up to the challenge and now you have Pabst Blue Ribbon all over the floor.

Unfortunately, no one has been able to come up with a practical solution to keep cheap plastic cups from getting kicked over. But the good folks over at Novus Products have created this reasonably priced, collapsible warning sign to at least make you aware of the danger. And knowing is half the battle.