The best place to be...

My apologies for my long hiatus, but I'm back. And I hope no one out there in the World Wide Web became too complacent. Dangers abound! But there's one place online where you can be assured your safety is our primary goal. Right here.


So don't change that dial. Because sometimes the best place to be is right where you are.

SPRING BREAK!

Ah...Spring Break. Just when you get back into the swing of things after Christmas, it's time to drown your brain in copious amounts of alcohol at some kind of exotic location.

It's a terrific opportunity to enjoy your youth, but there are a lot of things to be careful about, especially for those who don't travel a lot. Did you remember your cell phone? Passport? Toothbrush? Is everything in your carry-on seven ounces or less? Does your family know where you're going and have contact information? Do you have all of your shots?

It can be overwhelming just at the time when all you want to do is be cool and relax. Well, I have good news. You can cross one worry off your list. Those awesome flip-flops you got over Christmas are totally acceptable at the airport.


So kick those divinely trendy, prime-of-life feet back and enjoy the break. Oh, and don't forget to call your mother when you land.

One Borough to Rule them All...

The Oscars were awarded this week and, as usual, some people can't help but think that their favorite film was robbed of it's proper recognition. But I do need to point out that it's hard to compare something like "The King's Speech" (a drama based on actual events) and "Inception" (an acid trip on film). Not that they both didn't have great acting and cinematography, I'm just saying some people aren't really into that kind of thing.

Which is why I'm offering you this warning from Queen's, New York.


In case you've never been to Queens before, let me clarify.


So there you have it. Who knew that some of our most beloved fantasy characters called Queens home? Needless to say, if you've never been a fan of dungeons and dragons, or if you think you'd be tempted to steal the One Ring for yourself, I may recommend sticking to Manhattan. People aren't nearly as odd there.

Real Love

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the completely arbitrary date for everyone to wish they were in love. But I've got good news for you bloggers out there. Hersheypark (The self advertised SWEETEST place on earth) has these nifty signs plastered all over the place.


That's right, no broken hearts! And I'm not just talking about at the tunnel of love. Roller coasters, bumpers cars, the Ferris Wheel-you can't go twenty feet without stumbling on something that's guaranteed to amend your amorous anguish.

Science has proven that nothing cements a relationship more than pure terror. Why do you think so many people take their dates to horror movies? Forget the chocolates this week. If you want love, go for inverted, looping thrill rides. After all, isn't that what love really is?

In every generation...

Many neighborhoods post signs like these:


They indicate that a) there's a neighborhood watch and b) curiously pointed silhouettes in trench coats and fedoras are not welcome.

That's all well and good, but in the Twenty-First Century, who's really afraid of bumping into James Cagney in the middle of the night? That being said, some of you may think the sign, and perhaps the whole idea of a neighborhood watch, is a little out of date. Well, I beg to differ. Take a look at who's behind the mask.



Homestar?! Well it wouldn't have been my first guess, but he's got to be at least as bad for the youth as cigarettes and dice. I guess each generation has its own cross to bear.

...This warning's for you!

I can only imagine that some of you reading this are dismayed at the number of things that are out to get you. Well good news, we do have a way to fight back!


I'm sure you remember Captain Planet. "Earth! Wind! Fire! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" I don't know about you, but I always wondered what the lame guy with "heart" did. I mean, being able to conjure up a tsunami or hurricane force winds is pretty cool. But heart?

Well, I only learned this recently, but apparently heart can stop machines. Check out this warning sign.


Man can control a hydraulic lift with his heart. Who knew? It must be like one of those things where a mother is able to life up a car when it's on top of her child. Either way, it's one point for the human race. And if there are any aspiring machine overlords from the Matrix out there eavesdropping, this warning's for you!

Gimme a break!

Keeping with last week's theme, I offer you this warning sign from Hersheypark.

The poor sap pictured above seems to be suffering not only from a fever, but some kind of severe head injury. One might assume, considering the bright red slash through the sign, that I would be offering Hersheypark as some kind of prophylactic against these maladies. (Super Duper Looper for your sore throat? Kissing Tower for your cramps?)

But you should also note that our friend is sporting a pretty cheeky grin. Taking the sign as a whole, I think you can really only come to one conclusion. If you've got these problem, you're not going to be smiling...even in the Sweetest Place on Earth.

...the best medicine

It's a good thing we're doing this online because I'd hate to be stuck in a room with both of this blog's followers. It's the perfect time of year to get sick. But if you can't just sit inside all day and read blogs, 3M has a solution for you. (You know, the people who make scotch tape.)

Whether you're about to do some arc welding, perform open heart surgery, or just want to go clubbing during flu season, they've got you covered.


If you do get sick this winter, chicken soup may be the best thing for you. But if you're nervous about third degree burns from spilled chicken soup...I recommend 3M.

New Year, Old Foes

I hope the New Year is bringing you all good fortune and good health. And staying in good health is really tough this time of year. A lot of shit goes down. Seriously, the other night, there were spiked balls, pickles, Hershey kisses, fruit, and all kinds of things falling from the sky. Everything seemed to calm down shortly after midnight, but it reminded me of one of the first posts I had on this blog. Flying boxes aren't just headed for your stomach any more.

Watch out!

Play Nice

Again, I have to apologize for my recalcitrance. December is a busy month, but that doesn't make it any safer, quite the contrary. It's frighteningly common for people people to injure themselves trying to get Christmas presents out of their packaging. And the danger doesn't stop there. I mean what does Best Buy expect you to do with with a four foot tall cardboard box, thirty feet of bubble wrap, and a bag of foam peanuts?


It's fine if you want to build a spaceship out of all of that extra garbage, but play nice!


I understand, there's a lot of sibling rivalry and old wounds that get opened up at the holidays. Remember the year you fed Barbie to the cat? And who can forget the fight over the sweater Aunt Annie knit for you? But don't strangle your younger brother! It's hard enough to breathe with a plastic bag over your head.

Not Quite EVERYTHING...

First off, my apologies. I've been out of commission for a few weeks and haven't had the chance to update the blog. But thanks to some unforeseen circumstances and a good lawyer, I'm back to let you know about one of the many dangers of holiday shopping.

Like me, I'm sure many of your are running from store to store looking for the best deals: buy one get one free, no payments for six months, 30% off everything. Even if you despise everything the "Holiday Season" it's still hard to beat these prices.

Just make sure you read the fine print on all of those ads. For example, "Everything must go" doesn't necessarily mean everything. Like those waving arm inflatable tube men that brought you to the store in the first place?

Yeah, apparently those aren't for sale...

Thanksgiving Bonus

The economy's rough. I don't have to tell you that. But if you were planning to make some new investments, I might suggest taking your money elsewhere.

Not That Kind of Machine

As technology makes our world increasingly more convenient and less personal, vending machines are offering us staggering possibilities. Snacks and drinks have always been a staple, but DVDs, iPods, life insurance, gems, produce, ice cream, beer, toys, toilet paper, and panties are now available on street corners all over the world. Not only that, but you don't have to tear apart the office/ER waiting room/men's locker at the local Y looking for exact change. You can now pay with credit cards and even text messages in some places.

But there's one thing that vending machines still can't offer you.

Just in case you missed it, I've highlighted the key offense here.

You can't copulate with a vending machine! I know what you're thinking. "If it can feed me and clothe me, why can't it love me?" Well, I don't have all of the answers to that question, but I can tell you that vending machines like it on top. And they like it kinky. So unless you want to be crushed to death during an electroshock S and M session, I'd keep your relationship strictly professional.

Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time

The weather's getting pretty rough. As I write this, it's thirty degrees outside and raining sideways. What's the athletically inclined outdoorsey type supposed to do? Well, until it freezes and you can start skiing/skating/downhill machete ice sculpting, you just might need to stay inside. The gym offers one possible solution, but playing ping pong inside a tent is NOT an option.

You just can't compete with a piece of rip-stop, seam-sealed, waterproof fabric. Those things never miss, and the silicone coating puts more English on the ball than the Queen herself. (Besides, ping pong is an indoor sport anyway...)

Unless you want The Coleman Company to shred your ping pong record, you may just have to brush up on your knitting for the next few weeks. On the plus side, you can make yourself a nice pair of socks for ski season.

No Inverted Aerials

Driving a truck requires a higher level of attention. To name a few things, you need to be concerned about stopping distance, overheard clearance, and gross vehicle weight. Then there's all of those pesky road signs that apply to trucks specifically, like this one.

You can't flip your truck over backwards, pretty straight forward. Those of you who may only be driving a truck every other decade or so on moving day may not know exactly how to avoid that.

Just to clue you in, that would require disabling your front breaks, loading the back of your truck with lead weights or something heavier, speeding backwards, and slamming on the rear breaks. It's hard to avoid doing in car, never mind a truck. But on a certain stretch of road near Horsham, PA, you'll just have to be extra careful.

Yes He Will!

Mid term elections are tomorrow and I hope everyone out there is up to the task of voting. I don't care where you sit on the aisle or stand on an issue. America is in some serious need of electoral participation. And if you don't do your part someone else will.

Two years ago, President Obama came to power fueled by hope, promising change. Some say the verdict is still out on that. It really isn't the purpose of this blog to discuss that kind of thing. There are plenty of others out there wasting bandwidth on that particular question.

My point is that one might read the above warning sign with a certain amount of optimism.

But one can also take a slightly different view.

In either case, no one can argue that the man pictured above allegorically is coming, and he means business. (Look at those burly arms!) As I've already implored, vote! Make your voice heard! Because if you don't, he WILL!

Don't Fear the Reaper

Pumpkins, candy corn, toilet paper all over your bushes. Halloween is just around the corner, and that has me thinking about one thing...death...

It's only a matter of time for all of us. We know not the day or the hour, but thanks to the good folks at the Cheltenham Mall, you can be slightly more precise about the place.

This sign is prominently displayed on all of the mall's entrances. I'm not sure how they pulled it off, perhaps just a good ol' fashioned deal with the devil, but for some reason Death is pretty clearly verboten beyond those doors.

So go ahead, buy some discount shoes, get a cheap manicure, hell, play some Russian Roulette. Don't fear the reaper, baby, death can't reach you here.

One More Reason not to Smoke

We're all familiar with the no smoking sign. We've seen it in public places, private buildings, bars, restaurants, schools, and gas stations. But as more and more people are trying to lead healthier lives, it seems like it's virtually impossible to find a place for a smoke break. This sign, brought to you by the good folks in the state of Maine, crosses one more locale off the list.

That's right. You may not smoke in a puffin's butt.

I think it's an honorable endeavor, although it does leave one to question the necessity of such a sign. Are puffins with their colorful beaks and snazzy black suits the ideal birds to grab a smoke with? Is the campaign meant to keep tobacco products away from a gullible and easily addicted species? Maybe it's just too unsettling for all of the visitors to Vacationland to see such an adorable animal participating in such deplorable behavior. I think, however, that these explanations give the puffin too much credit. After all, no one's preventing you from handing out Camels to a harbor seal or lobster. That being said, the only logical explanation is that puffins suffer from a particularly flammable (dare I say explosive?) flatulence problem.

Take your pick. But whatever the case, if you choose to put tobacco products up a bird's anus, you're taking your own life into your hands.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

There are a lot of ways to get from point A to point B, but none are cooler than an overpriced, undersized personal transportation device. Think about it. Who do you see on Segues, Golf Carts, and Jet Skis? Only the deadliest men in the world. Here's James Bond on the original personalized watercraft in the 1977 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me."

And here you have a SWAT team on Segues.

All I'm getting at is that while you can have a terrific afternoon tearing donuts into the turf on the eighth green, you have to keep in mind that your golf cart is a precision weapon in the war on terror. If you're not careful, you just might shoot your eye out...or fly out the back and land on your head. (Those things are really operating on all three cylinders!)

Look, if you're going to spend all of that money on a top of the line personal transportation device, you'd better expect there to be ejection seat, and you'd better learn how to use it. If not, at least wear a helmet.

We WILL rock you.

Great news for you hockey fans out there, the regular season starts this week! That's the kind of thing that just makes you want to jump for joy.


And for everyone else out there (who couldn't care less about hockey) watch out!


Listen, some people are easily excited. Maybe you just scored an overtime goal to sweep the St. Louis Blues in the Stanley Cup finals. Maybe you're at Ft. Washington State Park (where I found this sign) and there's a really awesome pile of leaves you want to jump in. Sometimes, you just want to take a leap.

That's perfectly acceptable. But for the more stoic of web surfers out there, be careful. We aren't all built like professional hockey players, and you don't want to end up like this.